2014 is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and I'm still battling the idea of accepting that. There are days when I'm excited for the freedom that we have with this new chapter and there are others where I miss every single thing about our closed chapter. And there isn't a day that something doesn't sting my heart. Last week, for the first time, I actually turned on Disney Channel. Right now I have a love/hate relationship with it. It reminds me of my children which makes me so happy to think about them, but it hurts so much at the same time. Because of the hurt, I tend to avoid things more than remind myself. That's another reason why I haven't blogged for awhile, or gone into her room lately, or listened to her station on Pandora, or any music on her iPod for that matter since she passed. I can't bear to play any of her games on her iPad, or even wash her clothes in her hamper. They still smell like her. Sometimes the hurt takes over. It's all about a little at a time for me. I'm a totally pull the band-aid off slowly kind of girl. I haven't turned Disney Channel back on since then, but I plan to. And besides, Eleanor loved it! Silly girl...already loving TV. So maybe I really shouldn't turn it back on ;)
We definitely have more good days than bad, my sweetie Eleanor makes sure of that! I truly know I'm loved because of the wonderful blessing she is to me.
In this new chapter of ours we truly are first time parents! It amazes me how little we know about what babies do! Some days I find myself thinking...where the heck is the g-tube when you need it!!
Eleanor has been following suit so far with being a pretty happy baby. I can't complain there, because to get a smile in the morning, even though I know she's super hungry, is the best thing in the world. I see two other little smiles when she smiles at me! Jonas and Maggie will always be with me!
I just don't have the drive to go back and write about Christmas. It was good, but another season with the very recent death of a child is never my favorite. So here are a couple of my favorite pictures.
Christmas Eve... LOVE this silly girl!
Christmas Morning.. Look at that crusty! Maybe I won't be as lucky to get a smile every morning.
Eleanor LOVES to play and move and stand...the saucer might be her favorite
Notice the seat-belt....they aren't kidding when they say that babies move. We've had some close calls
I just don't have the drive to go back and write about Christmas. It was good, but another season with the very recent death of a child is never my favorite. So here are a couple of my favorite pictures.
(a little late but...) Happy New Year!
Our closed chapter will never ever be forgotten and we will take many lessons we learned from there and carry it on into this next chapter. Whatever it may bring! Here's to a new chapter!
6 comments:
I really do hate to ask this, but does your new daughter have SMA aswell? I hope not!
Lovely photos x
No Amy, Eleanor does not have SMA. :)
Oh Linds - how you and Whit continue to move forward is beyond me. I stand all amazed. I really do. I hope all the good things of the old chapter will always be with you in the new.
I know they will. Your children are so lucky to have you two. They know that, and you can remind sweet Eleanor about it when she is difficult okay? :)
I cannot tell you what joy it brings me to see Eleanor in that saucer, holding up her head, etc...
And her smile carries all of you. I see all of you in her. How I love that I can still see Jonas and Magg's too. I never want to forget them (I never will).
I am sure the sadness creeps in and takes over often. I am sorry dear friend. My heart aches that you and Whit experience these times. I want to take it away and yet, I know it is in these times that we come to know ourselves and our relationship with our Savior. It is when I have been so low that I have been so high. My earthly body is low, but my spirit is high because I am so close to Heavenly Father and His Son. I know you understand that. You live it everyday by just moving forward, and by the beautiful things you say. I love you two for continuing to turn to God and trust in Him.
I love you!
Ash
Happy New Year to You too! Keeping you in our hearts and prayers.
Sometimes there just aren't words to express what we want to say. This post is heartbreaking, yet hopeful and loving. Here's to 2014.
very nice!
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