The calm before the storm...

At the beginning of this week, the weather was just the most perfect fall weather you could ask for. Rather warm, with just the right amount of a cool fall breeze. One of those days that can't help but make you happy. My parents had the best pile of leaves and I knew what we were going to do when Whit got home!

 

 What in the world have you put me in?!

 

 

 Grandpa got really into it!

Uncle Logan even joined the fun!

Playing in the leaves as a family was a memory to remember. Grammie lost her shoe in the leaves, Logan threw Anna in the pile and she completely disappeared, and we all had itchy backs from the leaves going down our shirts. We all were happy, excited and hopeful for the future. 

Then comes the storm. Storms have come in our lives more often than we would like. Jonas' diagnosis, Maggie's diagnosis, Jonas' death, and one day the potential for Maggie's too. All of these have been heartbreaking and gut wrenching. We were ready for a new start...so we started the process of IVF with PGD. (in vitro-fertilization with preimplantation genetic diagnosis). This is something that we kept private and went along the journey silently. Mostly because we felt like it and also because we know people have their opinions about things like this and we didn't really want to hear it. 

The first step in our journey was in June by applying for a grant to help cover this very, very expensive cost. That took all summer and the moment they gave us the green light we went for it. I am so grateful for the opportunity that they gave us to try to grow and complete our family. 

 

The next step was to work with a PGD lab to build a test or probe so that we could diagnosis our embryos. This required Whit and I to send in bloods sample as well as Jonas and Maggie. Dr. Swoboda was able to provide some of Jonas' that she has collected for studies. Both sets of parents also had to send in samples of their saliva. This process was really quick and they were ready way before we had even begun the next steps. 

It wasn't until the first of October that we were given the green light to start. A lot of injectable hormones are used to overstimulate the female reproductive system. I started one shot a day and by mid-October we were up to 3-4 daily shots. There was absolutely NO way I was going to give those to myself, so I would wake up with Whit everyday at 6 so he could give them to me before he left for work. To those that have gone through IVF, my heart went out to you before, but I can tell you now I truly understand the physical and emotional toll this can take on you.

I was set for egg retrieval on the 4th of November, but after looking at my ultrasound, my eggs were large enough to move the date up to the 2nd. So we retrieved and I began getting daily intramuscular shots (in the bum!) preparing my body for potential pregnancy. That's when we had a reality check that this process isn't as easy as it seems. I have no problem getting pregnant, just having healthy babies, so we were naive and thought everything would be perfect. Here's how the next few days played out....

They retrieved only 12 eggs, of those only 7 were mature enough to fertilize. 

Only 5 successfully fertilized and by the time we were ready to transfer them into my uterus, 

4 had stopped dividing(basically died) and the 1 that was left was affected with SMA plus wasn't good quality to transfer.

Nothing.

Not even a chance. No miracle. That was the end. 

It's really hard to describe the feeling that comes over you when you realize all that you had hoped for, wished for, prayed for doesn't happen. The same emotion that hit me when I realized Jonas was not going to be the little boy I'd thought of came rushing back. But it was a little different.

I was angry, oh so angry. Why?! Why couldn't it have worked? Haven't I gone through enough? Hasn't our family endured enough? When can it be our turn for something good to happen? I know that challenges are for our benefit, but really how many disappointments can I handle! I'm still angry, but I'm more hopeless now. Hopeless. I don't know what we are suppose to do now. I'm not understanding the plan my Father in Heaven has for me. To be honest my faith has been a little shaken.

So I will share what good words my sweet Whit and also my mother shared with me. Words that I repeat for myself and for others who are going through their own storms and feel alone and forsaken...

Just remember that your Savior loves you and right now he is crying too. He completely and fully understands what you are going through. Our Father knows the plan and he is there crying and telling you, my sweet child I love you, but not right now. And as hard as it may seem, it will all work out in the end. I promise. Don't give up and let this beat you. You're stronger than that.

So now as I look out the window I don't see the beautiful fall leaves that made me feel hopeful. I see a new world covered in snow. A little depressing at first, but I know that once the storm is over, there will be a new beauty. A different beauty. One that we didn't expect, but sometime, someday we will find it.