My Nightmare

Yesterday was one of the worst days, my nightmare came true. 

I had to do CPR on Maggie. 

I hate this and have so many feelings going on in my head...guilty, grateful, sick, relieved, haunted,...

When I close my eyes, I see her completely white little face and the horror of what happened makes my stomach drop all over again. 

I really thought I had lost her and what felt like forever moments of desperation, I froze and didn't know what to do! Worst feeling ever. Every time we've been in scary predicaments Whit has been there to save the day. When I've pulled out her g-tubes, when she's been so sick, when she did this last year, Whit was there! 

What ultimately kicked me into gear was not being able to accept her fate right then and there and not try anything! 

We had gone around the corner to give a birthday wish to one of my little Young Woman in my ward and neighborhood. We went in our bike trailer/stroller...the same thing she was in when she did this last year. Needless to say it is being retired!

Anyway, we'd been visiting and I had held Maggie most of the time. As time came to go, I put her back in, suctioned her and tried to get her comfortable. She wasn't super happy, which I chalked up to the fact that we weren't walking. I had one more question for my friend who is the mom of the birthday girl. So we chatted for a minute or two more. I will never be able to thank Sandra enough for listening to the feeling that she had to check Maggie. As I was saying the words "oh she's fi...." I actually saw her and she was so not fine. 

My nightmare! 

My mind went into panic mode and tunnel vision. I don't really remember what was happening around me. I asked Sandra to call 911 as I decided I needed to give her CPR. That was after my mind went through other choices...let her go, no way we have so much coming up! Run with her back to my house for her bi-pap, I would never make it and I knew I only had seconds to help her. 

So I made an effort of CPR. It was probably the most pitiful attempt, but I was trying my best. I've talked about CPR so many times, but I have never had to and never felt confident that I could. 

So I gave her breaths and sort of pushed on her chest, I think, and just kept calling for her to come back. After 3-4 breaths her eyes opened, not focused, but open and I could see a little color coming back into her lips. After the 5th breath she started to cry. That had to be a good sign. 

My something of an attempt at CPR worked!  

My tunnel vision started to go away, but not much. I called my parents to run over to my house and grab Maggie's bi-pap. She was much more aware now, but I thought it couldn't hurt. Then I called Whit and he showed up 1 second after the paramedics. He took over and we made the choice not to go the hospital this time. 

I am so sorry that that happened in front of my friend's girls. They shouldn't have to see something like that. However, I am ever so grateful that I wasn't completely alone, to have Sandra calm and by my side. We hugged each other and were just in shock that that just happened. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blesses us through others at times. I know that Maggie's time with us here is short, but I was not ready for her to go. Not like that. Not without her daddy there too.

My heart is full that He has allowed her to be with me for awhile more.