Thoughts at 4:00 am

While I was trying to go back to sleep after repositioning Jonas and his other things, my mind was whirling with random thoughts. This is nothing new. I always think about posting those thoughts, but I either chicken out or have to much fun Twilight searching on the Internet and lose time. Another reason I don't is because I never intended this blog to be a journal for myself. It was to be for Jonas and sharing his funny/cute/naughty things that he would be doing. I really don't want this to become a poor me monologue either. That is hard, because most of the thoughts that I don't share are those type of thoughts. Well, last night I had a more positive thought...so I thought I would actually share.
I have never had a more difficult challenge to face than this. When we were told a year ago January that Jonas had SMA and all that it entailed, I was devastated. That night was one of the darkest nights of my life. It kept hitting me over and over that this wasn't a dream. Each time was just sickening. I couldn't escape the future and that future did not look happy or easy at all. There was absolutely nothing that anyone could do. Obviously with my Heavenly Fathers help I did get out of that deep dark hole, but it didn't necessarily become brighter right then. We went home and were bombarded with all of this medical equipment. I NEVER wanted to become a nurse and here it was in my house. I cried when the nurse made me try to load the pump with a bag. I balled every time when I had to use the cough assist on Jonas. I had never been so frustrated than when I would try to put on Jonas' mask and fail. You either sink or swim and I was doggy paddling. Just when I felt like I might do better than that...something else would come. His g-tube for instance. I was a little more composed when I had to learn all that, but I was so mad the first time I had to feed him manually because it wasn't easy. His choking on his saliva came later. Along with his little episodes where he turns grey. Something will always be challenging me, but I am kind of proud to say that I have overcome all those in the past. I don't even think twice about putting a food bag on the pump. Cough assist, not my favorite, but I don't cry. I never thought that I would feel that way, but those things aren't so bad. I'm still a little angry that I had to become comfortable with these things, but what can you do.
I know at the time of whatever challenge in life it almost seems impossible. I know now that I can do it. I am doing it. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but it's so much better than it was.