Some how I have found myself here. In denial and I don't really want to get out of it. What am I in denial about..pretty much everything.
1. That Jonas is really gone. It hurts. It seems as if time isn't healing, it's just getting worse. Maybe it's the holidays and all I can think about is how I wish Jonas were here to experience this with me/us as a family. I know that I am allowing those feelings to take a hold of me, it's just easier that way. Sunday, we went to church and in Sacrament meeting they sang "Away in A Manger", Jonas loved that song. I could even play it for him on the piano and every time you sang, "asleep, asleep, asleep the Savior in his bed" he would look at you with those eyes full of humor and love. He thought it was silly. It hurts to sing. Pretty much every song reminds us of him.
2. That Maggie really has SMA. She isn't eating very well. She tires and so she can't finish a bottle. She is only eating 4 oz. a bottle anyway..she can't afford to eat less. I have to feed her through her nose tube to help her finish. And so it begins. The nose tube will soon become attached to her face and then the g-tube. I don't care that I've done this before with Jonas. It doesn't make it easier. I don't want her to have SMA..I don't want her to have surgery and have a whole in her perfect tummy. I forgot how hard it is to let go of what you want. I'm being selfish, I know. When the time comes and I look back I know I'll feel silly that I let my natural self win.
(she's so beautiful even when asleep. It kills me)
Denial isn't just a river, as Whit says to me. It's true and I guess I need to get out of it pretty soon. Sometimes, I can't believe that I'm doing this. You'd think it would be easier to do this all again. It's not..it kind of brings back the old sad memories that took awhile to get over. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I'll get there, I promise.
(she's so beautiful even when asleep. It kills me)
23 comments:
I hurt for you, knowing how much you want to love on your son again. Sending you love and prayers for peace and strength.
You do miss them so much, and the second time isn't easier. In the physical way of doing suction feeding tubes, knowing how to work the equipment the second time is easier, but the emotional is harder in the day to day. For us it was harder because everytime something happened that Ryan got weaker we knew what was coming. We'd take the time to talk through our feelings then cry, and then we could have joy again until the next scary part. One moment at a time, thats how life is lived. Our prayers are with you.--The White's
I ment to add, I fought with denial alot more with Ryan, oh how I didn't want it to be true. Lindsey you are strong it's just so very hard and takes alot of time to feel better. We are doing better now but still have our times and miss our boys. But Maggie is so very cute.
Lindsey, you are the strongest momma I know! All those feelings, normal. How can you not be afraid for sweet little Maggie. Yea, you know what to expect, but I think thats what makes it harder. I can't imagine what its like for you to be without your beautiful Jonas. Your always in our prayers!
I am so sorry for you and your sweet family! Loosing a child is so very hard and yours is so fresh. Dont let anyone tell you how fast you need to process through things. Grief is different for everyone. Im 2 years out and still have my days. Denial is something we all go through and in stages. If you need someone to tlk to im here!! Much love to you and your sweet family.
Maggie is truly a beautiful, beautiful baby. I was thinking in your previous post how beautiful her Mom is too - inside and out. It's sounds cliche, but it's so true.
Our family will always love Jonas. He was magnetic. As his Mother, I'm sure your pull to one another is so strong. I like to think he is always near to you. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better. We love you all so much.
I think everything you said is completely normal. The second time we expected it to be easier, turns out it was just as hard, if not harder. Be gentle to yourself. You do not have to be strong. What you have faced and continue to face is the unimaginable and it is ok to not be strong. I love this picture with her arms up by her head. Most people probably take their child being able to put their arms up by their head as a given. It shows you still have a very strong little girl!
Hugs!!
Ashley
I'm grateful for these kind words from moms who have been there before. I hope their wisdom and experience brings you comfort. Loves.
You are strong my friend... and I think everyone would agree. Probably the strongest person I know! I'm so sorry that it has to bring back memories. You are the best mom for the job. The Lord picked you because you could do it... and your great at it. Don't ever think you are being selfish!
I know you don't know me and my kids don't have SMA but I wanted to send my love and prayers. The 2nd time has been surprisingly different for us, not yet easier or harder, just different.
Remeber Lindsey there is way to do this the right way. We are all do different. Let yourself do what you need to do. I am sorry you hurt so much. I promise you time does help. It is still hard, it just hurts a little less. You have lots of happy memories, let those get you through those hard days. We sure love you all and wish we could help is some little way.
You don't know me but I used to work with Whit. I think that you are an amazing mom. You are the kind of mom that I wish I could be.I read your blog and see all of the fun things that you did with and for Jonas,and see how happy he was. You should never doubt how wonderful you are. And I agree living in denial is easier. I think that I have a permanent residence there!
No one is strong enough to handle that kind of situation. You are so amazing. It is normal to want things to be different. I cannot even immagine the memories or the sadness you are feeling right now. I have watched your blog, cried, and laughed and have been amazed. I hope that you realize what a choice spirit you and your husband are- to be blessed with these darling special spirits.
Honey, one of the most important things I have learned in all of this is that the grief cycle is cyclical. IT IS OK for you to be in denial. IT WILL BE OK for you to be angry, or bargain, or accept. One day it will be one stage, the next day another. Please give yourself space and room to grieve like you need to. I know you feel like you need to be strong now for Maggie--and you do--but please don't deny yourself natural feelings in trying to be strong for her. The other thing I have really learned is that as a loving Father, God knows and understands all that pain. He knows it, and doesn't love you any less if you are angry or sad or questioning why this had to happen to Jonas and Maggie. You aren't letting God down if you aren't putting on a stiff upper lip. Just let it be and let yourself be. Everything else will come in time.
I think about you all the time, and continue to pray for you. Sorry for the novel. :)
I've started to comment several times on your blog the last week or so and then I get sidetracked with something and don't get it finished but when I read your blog today I knew that I should share with you a couple of things. I know that I haven't ever experienced what you have the last three years but I am really impressed that you are willing let those denial feelings come. I have thought a lot about you recently and can not imagine the feelings you must have as you must pick up and carry on with sweet Maggie now that you "know the drill." In a way, maybe it even might be even more difficult than when you first started down the "SMA" path with Jonas. But I do know I have seen and heard of you and Whit's strength and courage, love and devotion and I know that you can get through it. Just let the feelings come and listen to yourself and then keep moving forward. I just wanted you to know that the impact your family has had on others is still continuing. Sunday, Rob taught the Relief Society lesson in our ward. Usually, whenever he is speaking or teaching a special lesson he fills me in on what he is gonna talk about. This time it had been a little crazy so we never discussed it. He opened the lesson by sharing some really powerful things he felt and learned at Jonas's funeral. The insights he shared were ones I hadn't thought of. The Holy Ghost really testified to the sisters present and they, too, felt something powerful. A month or so ago, Emily's student government teacher talked to her class about a family that she had seen on the news that really inspired her. Guess who? Yep the Colemans! She talked to her class about your strength and courage and the amazing community that reached out to your family. Emily continued to keep her updated on what was happening with you guys. Instead of doing the traditional Sub-for-Santa fundraiser at the junior high, they decided to do Make-A-Wish for a little girl in Bountiful. She wants to go to Disney World. Earlier this week, the fundraiser was wrapping up and they hadn't raised as much as they were hoping. Emily's teacher had seen your blog and asked Emily if she would share with the school a little about Jonas's trip to Disneyland and the raising of the star on his 3rd birthday. While she was nervous about getting too emotional, she went forward and shared your special story. The next day, the student body doubled the amount of money they had raised the whole week previous! I feel so badly for your family's pain and suffering but I wanted you to know that it isn't for naught. The ripple effect of good will continue on. SOrry this is so long...Hang in there. We are still praying for you guys and for little Maggie! XXOO
Oh Linds,
I wish I could just pluck you out of this so your heart didn't have to hurt so much. I know everything you are feeling and will feel is completely normal. Let yourself feel it and let yourself fall apart if you need to. We get so concerned that we have to go through things perfectly, but we don't.
You are the complete antithesis of a selfish person. You and Whit are the most selfless people I know. You two will always and forever be that example to me. That means you can be mad, angry, sad, etc... and you will still be that example to me and to everyone.
I didn't even know Jonas but I miss him. I find myself thinking about him often and I begin to cry. You are his mother so those feelings run ever so deep - there is no end. What a sweetheart! I just ordered a picture of him from Jen Fauset because I just want to remember those deep blue eyes, so I always remember what matters most.
My heart aches that you will begin this cycle all over again with Maggie. She is so beautiful. I'm sure sometimes you wake up and life seems so surreal - like you said, "I can't believe I'm doing this." I'm sorry you are trodding this road again. I wish so badly I could step in and carry you. I would.
I am giving a RS lesson in January and it will be about Jonas and the remarkable lessons he has taught me and countless others.
I continue to pray for you daily and will keep doing so.
Love you -
Ashley Richards
You have the right to feel sad, hurt, angry, tearful (insert adjective her) about Jonas and Maggie. It's not fair that both your kids have SMA and you can say that. The grief process is a long and painful one and when people leave us, no matter what we believe about how much better they are now being that they are in Heaven, we never forget them. The sadness will dull some over time, but will never compltely go away. Allow yourself to feel and to grieve. You lost a beautiful little boy. No parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family daily. Much love, Jessica
I love what everyone has said, i like what Devon said. For me I have had to accept denial as a part of life. Sometimes its what gets me to sleep at night. Its also very good for the times when i cant accept what is really happening and it can keep me from crying every second of every day. Dont feel like you have a time limit of denial, sadness or mourning. It may come and go. Feel what you feel and know that you have soooooo many supporting you in whatever that may be! We all love you guys so much, you have been inspiring to us all! We continue to think of you and pray for you!
praying for you everyday. love you.
I hate being human. That hurt- that denial- that knowing about the greater picture but being stuck in this hurt. Your family has touched me so much. I learned of you through another nurse at PCMC when we were there with our Makenzie. She knew your husband. It wasnt until after our Makenzie passed that I went to your blog and learned all about sweet Jonas. I have fallen inlove. With his perfect self. When I found out your perfect Maggie has SMA my heart broke. I kept thinking- It wouldnt matter that I have already been through this, if I had to do it again- it would be the first time. You are a hero. You are a warrior. You have been given these 2 amazing little spirits. So easy to say from the outside sooo hard to accept it from the inside. It would be so much easier to just have a healthy baby. Have a healthy family. Never know this pain. Its soo very raw for you- and then your having to understand the fact that your going to go through it again. You feel however you need to feel. You are simply amazing. An inspiration. If you ever need to talk- let me know. Tomorrow marks Makenzies 1 year angel anniversary and we are including sweet Jonas. He will have his own balloon. Im thinking of you. Praying for you. Missing Jonas. Love You!
Im so very sorry you have to go through this.
The holidays most definitely intensify the grief. The 'magic' of Christmas, toys in others' baskets, and the beautiful music... especially the songs that you know Jonas loved. Just remind yourself that he's probably singing them all right now!
It's also another really big first for you; the firsts are all tough, but some are much more intense than others. Jeffrey earned his wings in early November, and while I managed to get through Thanksgiving, I could have bypassed Christmas easily. Thank goodness there were some angels at our other children's school who took over!
I'm sorry anyone has to deal with SMA, but TWICE??? I can't imagine doing it more than once.
Sending big hugs and prayers for all of you and hoping you have some special Jonas signs....
'Lucy'
I think you are amazing! I worked with Whit and always thought he was a great guy and meeting you at Jonas' viewing I realized what a great couple you are. I only talked with you for a few short mintues but I want you to know that it made a real impact on me. I feel like Jonas and Maggie are such special spirits and that Heavenly Father knew they needed to spend their limited time on earth with some of His most amazing people and that's why they came to you! Thanks for your example!
I love reading all about Jonas... :) and Maggie, too. Sounds to me like you put an awful lot of pressure on yourself.
It's OK to be sad, you know. In fact, it's pretty healing. You are loving on her through your tears. Sometimes, that's the best we can do.
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